Blog entry 25: LIFE UPDATE
OH HO I had NOT realised how long it'd been since my last post. So so much has happened since then! Where do I start...
First of all, I got a job. My first job! That's the most important thing that's happened in like. Maybe years. That leads me to => me not drawing as often as before. You might have noticed the art section for this year 2025 is
pretty much empty except for one drawing I made back in march or so. Well it's actually not the only drawing I've made this year, you can check some tarot cards here. I made them for an rp/commissions. Besides that, I also am studying so I can get a professional degree in the uh. Programming area. (At first I signed up to classes so I'd get a degree which = easier to get a job but now that I have one... it's not so important to have one... oh well.)
OH! I also have a nephew now. Big changes in my life!!! Who would've known babies were so adorable. OH AND I've been hitting the gym for a couple of months now. I'm... I'm a functional adult?!
What else? I dunno. I'm itching to renew this site but I know that means I need to put a lot of work into it and I do not have the time... (I dont have time for anything nowadays...)
Listening to: Браво
Blog entry 24:
Feeling depressed as shid today, and very tired. But I wanted to talk about... my sunday! For context, my mom and sister had signed up to run a marathon on sunday, but my sister fell sick. So I said, ok whatever, I'll take your place. Jump to sunday early morning... got ready to run. Got my inhaler and all. Ran those 5 km. Chest was about to give in at around the 800m mark, but I couldn't give up. And I didn't. So I took home a medal, and I didn't know it then, but i'd be suffering muscle pain pretty much everywhere the following days... Anyway, after I got home, i rested a bit. A couple hours later, I went see Alex Anwandter live and it was really awesome. That guy really can move and sing and put a show. Made me love him a bit more. It was a long but fun day, and I was too tired and busy with other things to make an entry about it, but i really wanted to share that.
Listening to: Bitman & Roban
Blog entry 23:
Hello! Just a quick entry. I'm still artblocked I think, but... I sometimes force myself to do certain things. Like today, I changed the nav buttons so they fit with the rest of the uh kinda ugly color palette i have going on in my website. Anyway, this week I've been learning how to properly prepare a cup of matcha tea. So far, it's gone well. Not many more things, tbh. I DID notice this place is a bit messy... I should do some cleanup or something idk!
Listening to: Coaltar of the Deepers It's been over 3 months since my last entry, and 3 weeks since my last update (which was a quick update on the homepage). I've just been a bit out of it, I guess. And right now it's the same, but boredom and general lack of energy pushed me to update my journal. So, what have I been up to? Generally, nothing much. I play Kenshi or Limbus Company most of the day, and I have some roleplays I'm in during the week. Today, a job opportunity I had applied to and spent quite some time on rejected me. With that, and other things, I keep feeling lost. To the point I wonder if I should go back to med school, or if I should start working on getting popular so I can get commissions. Both being options I immediately regret when my mind clears up. Of course there are other choices. Going into game development has been in my mind for years, but it's not easy to start. I want to, but every time I sit down to write my ideas, I get none. I don't know what to write about, I don't know what to create. Oh, maybe I'm artblocked. That makes sense. Anyway, since I'm opening up, I just really don't know what to do with my life to be honest.
Listening to: Deftones Hello! I wanted to check-in for the month (edit: monthS. I just realised I didn't post during october). I've had my ups and downs, but there's some things I wanna highlight. 1: I went see Team Mekano live! It was awesome. I got tired from jumping so much, but there was so much energy and I had a lot of fun and it felt good. 2: I gave silly a bath! He was stinky. He's not even a year old but he wasn't white anymore, he was gray. Now he smells nice too :D 3: After like 3 or so years I changed my glasses! They're square-ish now, but I'm not gonna change my avatar or anything because that's a pain. Still getting used to them though 4: I opened a vgen and I'm trying to advertise my commissions a bit more! Which means.... using social media too. Hopefully that works because I do not Like social media platforms. That's mostly it. Thanks for reading !
I've been in a weird-ish mood lately. I think it started around I fell sick, but maybe it's got to do with looking for a job while not really being excited about the idea of working. Though I watched "Gun X Sword" this week and considering I haven't actively watched an anime since ... January, it felt good. I caught myself feeling like a teen, devouring anime and that being my only hobby/escape/distraction but also the only source of enjoyment i had.
Hm, I haven't really drawn much this month, but I've been participating in a couple TTRPG sessions and stuff, so I think I have been having fun every now and then this month.
I should also... come back to updating my website and stuff! I mean I know there's no obligation but it's also a project i really love. And i need to give it water and sunlight or else it'll wither. Well.. not really. It'll probably live for a long, long time online... But still, it's something I should cultivate or idk. anywaythats it
PD: Wait, I realised as I saved this page that the first journal entry was over a year ago!!! Isn't that fun? I never made anything for the website's anniversary, but I'm glad and proud i'm still (slowly) coming back and working on this. This makes me happy..
Listening to: The Smashing Pumpkins Hehe it's been a while. I was planning on writing a personal update last week but got distracted oops. Anyway I graduated that programming bootcamp i mentioned before. Awesomesauce! But now to take the dreaded next step... Time to look for a job. I got my first job interview last week and I was super excited! Sadly I didn't get it. Oh well. I might open my commissions for real this time (how many times have i said that LMAOO. i really need to open them some time.) Anyway i recently got fake married. I invited my (limited number of) friends and my partner invited theirs, we dressed up all fancy, got a cake and exchanged rings, awkardly danced in front of people, then got drunk and stuff. I even made a bowtie and pants for silly for the occasion! He looked so good and charming and gentlemanly. What else... I also joined the 32-bit café's pixelfed. Idk how much I'll use it but you might find some pictures there! Oh!! almost forgot. I joined the women's game jam a couple of weeks back. It was a lot of fun! It was my first on site game jam. Met a lot of cool people, though we didn't get to finish our game :( That's it for now, hope to see you again soon!
Listening to: Vocaloid Music Again, it's been a while! I was busy studying and then mostly drawing for Artfight and I've left this aside for a bit. I look at this website now and there's a bunch of stuff I want to change - mostly small details, but still. Oh yeah I gotta upload my artfight stuff now that I think about it! Anyway I wanted to make this more so as an update.
Hm. Something that's hard to tell from small websites like this one is how many people are reading my stuff. Well, this is more like a diary anyway so it doesn't matter who reads it or not.
First of all, I'm not feeling too well. Um, emotionally. So my ramblings might be a bit biased towards that but... this past month has been.. okay. Not good or bad, and that's normal I suppose, but still I'd like to feel happy. To have more things that make me happy, or at least to know what does. I know my partner makes me happy, and my cat and plushie. I suppose listening to disco makes me smile, and that's mostly it. (Or maybe it's bliss rather than happiness? It's hard to tell...) Most of what I've felt lately is boredom. I get bored in class. And boredom as I know is my worst enemy; all it does it make me feel depressed and my normal levels of sadness and anger grow. I can only hope this rage doesn't get as strong as it was last year with college, but still, I feel it. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a big hater but I am, I can't help but be irritated by stuff and even other people who don't even do anything bad. Anyway i think this all boils down to : I don't know if I know what i want with life, I don't really know what makes me happy and I don't know what I want to do. And right now all i wanna do is lay down in bed and cry a little and stop eating, (because boredom also leads me to eating more, and moving less, and that makes me feel worse). All I can do is wonder if I just have a natural tendency to be depressive.
Heya! It's april, and my bootcamp just started. I've met a lot of great people! Though Im sure these next weeks will be tough. Sadly, if I barely drew last month, it'll be worse from now on. Hopefully not! Now, I wanted to mention something that happened to me some days ago... I got a cut on my face (bc i wasnt weaing my seatbelt) and got stitches. Luckily it doesn't hurt! For now. I know it will soon... Again, sorry for slow updates! But I'm here, and I'm reading you.
Oh. It has been some time since my last entry! Time flies. I don't know what to update! I downloaded RPG Maker XP (bc it was free) and was working on a game but then I got stuck... Mostly because I bought terraria last week and I've been addicted to that. I didn't think much about it, but no, it grabbed me by the throat and doesnt let me go! It's a fun game. Ah yeah! I got a double helix piercing yesterday. So exciting! I haven't had a piercing done in a while, and I kinda want more but at the same time... It's not an easy decision I guess. I'm also still waiting to hear back from that course I'm applying to, and I also sent some postcards (through postcrossing!!) for the first time last week, and I can't wait to hear they arrived safely. That's how my month has been. I've been neglecting some of my daily tasks but so far I've been good I'd say. I should work on my website more but right now it's not really my biggest priority.
Listening to: Sandro Alright, maybe I should have written this earlier, when I finally got home, but I was busy doing... lots of things. To recap, as I wrote on that last entry, I was on the countryside. It ended up being alright, I guess. Nothing too interesting happened, I spent half (or more) of that time playing on my phone. Yesterday it was time to leave, but instead of coming home I went to my partner's place, since I hadn't seen them in a couple of days and I missed them. So I actually arrived home today, at around 10 am. From then until now I've been doing those things I wanted to do when I wasn't able to: draw digitally, continue working on my website and Little Richard (that's the name of the plushie I'm making right now. I'm not sure if I've uploaded any images of it? Soon.), and play videogames (not mobile games).
Okay so, I realised I haven't mentioned it before (I should use this journal more often!) but I've been playing(? habitica, which helps organize my daily tasks and activities and to not forget stuff. It's been working great! It also encourages to take some challenges, so I took one that involved spending at least 15 minutes doing something art related. And back in the countryside, all I could use was a pencil and paper, so that's what I did. I'm not used drawing traditionally, but hey, it was fun I guess! Anyway, I ended up "designing" two more drawings/sprites for my website (the one you usually see on the right side (unless you're on mobile. you're missing out)). So today I started drawing it and guess what... I kinda forgot how I made the others a bit... So design-wise it looked a bit different so I spent a lot of time on that. But hey, it's okay. This happens when you haven't drawn in a while.
I also continued working on my website, as I said. And that reminds me, I applied for a three month long full-stack course! Sounds like fun, but it'll be tough. Hopefully it brings me a step closer to getting an acceptable job and to becoming better at programming. What else? Little Richard. I made the last leg. I only need to sew some limbs to the body and make a tail, and he'll be ready for mischief. And I played Hollow Knight. I had been playing it for a while, but my computer hasn't been able to handle big videogames lately. Gotta fix that.
Anyway, that's all I did today! Besides driving a lot. Oh, I also watched the Festival de Viña (on TV) like an hour ago. For the first time ever (I believe) they invited an entire orchestra and opera singer. It was amazing, I want to go listen to live music someday soon. Or just go out in the city and have fun... That's it from me today! I hope to write again soon.
Listening to: Coaltar Of The Deepers Hey there! It's been a little while. I've been meaning to write something, but I haven't been at home in some time. Lots of things have happened around me, but I'm still the same; Stuck figuring out my future path. Anyway, I'm working on that... Slowly. Right now, I'm in the countryside. And while it's good to have nature around me, I also want to do things I can't do here, like drawing or programming (since I don't have my computer or a stable connection). I also want to continue with my plushie, but I guess this break can be helpful. Summer... this last couple of years have felt a bit dreadful, with some pressure looming over me telling me to decide on something now. I'm scared of the future, I think. Why is it so hard to commit to single path?
Listening to: Bomb Rush Cyberfunk OST Hey! How's january treating you? It's been going okay for me. I've mostly gone to my partner's house and drawn a bit, but I'm also dealing with - oh yeah, I never mentioned it - contacting my insurance and everything that comes with bumping another car. I've also been slowly moving forward to finding a job, and I want to open my art commissions. However... today when I opened my instagram account, I saw that I hadn't posted anything since august, and how the people I folllow and admire kept on getting better. I hate social media, and having to worry about followers and likes and stuff. But if I can't deal with social media, how can I expect anyone to know what I do and to commission me? I kinda feel like a mess. Besides that, I didn't really like the drawing I made today. I know I made it quickly, but an irrational part of me looks at other people's art - people way younger - and I feel... bad. I still can't get rid of this feeling of having to be productive. But part of it is true: I haven't been doing "anything" for months, I can't even handle searching for a job for more than a couple of minutes without getting overwhelmed. But hey, not everything is bad. I have silly, Lee (my cat) and an awesome gf. I love them so much!!
Listening to: Goatbed Happy birthday to me! Okay, it was yesterday. But since I fell ill, I didn't have enough time or energy to write something. It was an alright day, and since my nose is clogged up, I wasn't able to enjoy the cake or other delicious stuff that we had. Still, I've been thinking about the end of the year. This year was... Idk. I year to work on me, maybe. I met new people, got to meet up with old relations, and am starting to prepare for a new stage in life. Anyway, X-mas is coming up and I'm trying to make something new. My life is changing, my family changed, so the way we usually do things has to change, too. Anyhow, this next week I'll be a bit busy, so who knows when my next "blog" post will be? (I really need to figure out how to set my blogs or journals). Merry christmas if I don't see you in a while! Listening to: Hum I really need to change how my "blog" system works. Anyway, I've been meaning to write something that I've thought about a bit. I created this website as a way to express myself, be genuine and build a little home for myself. I didn't really want to create a "persona", but ofc I also don't want to include too much irl information. So far, I think I've been doing good in these aspects... However. There is still a very important thing separating me in a way, and that's the language I'm using. I know spanish is my first language, and the one I can express myself in better. English, on the other hand, is what I've used to communicate with online mostly. Now, hold on. I want to write a lot but I'm not used to long blog posts.
First of all, I'm very lucky to be able to speak english fluently. It allows me to communicate myself with people from all around the world, and honestly, since I've used it my entire life I wouldn't be who I am without it. From using it in fandoms to making friends, it's helped me a lot and led me to amazing experiences and people; and while I could have also met different people in hispanic spaces online (and I have), I admit english helped me disconnect from real life and insert myself into this other digital dimension.
English is such a widespread language that I've met people whose first language wasn't english or spanish and yet we could speak for hours. English was our bridge, and for that I'm grateful. However, I can't help but feel a little bit enraged knowing we both learnt the language mostly thanks to USA's imperialism. But I guess it was easier for both of us to learn english than to learn each other's respective language. I dunno.
Anyway, where was I going with this? Ah right, this website. I think I'm stuck between wanting to share my site and creations (and myself) using english, which would reach a bigger audience, and being... a bit more true to myself (by speaking my native language). By speaking spanish, I feel like I could express more about my culture, or the latinamerican experience, which of course makes a big part of who I am. Plus, if I were to write or make something related to how much I love chilean music, it just doesn't feel right at all to write in english. I mean it doesn't make sense, y'know?
So again, it boils down to my internet persona and myself (nah, hold on. This was already a topic I tried to delve into back in uni for my thesis... oh welp.). I wanted to fuse these two "realities" into one but when it comes to picking a language I can't pick both. I mean, I have thought of making a spanish version of this site but it would be a pain, plus I don't want to translate everything? And I don't really see much of a point to it. I don't know. I think I'll keep using english, but it still feels like I'm not being... as genuine as I want to be when building my little digital space here. Listening to: Los Jaivas Just realised my blogs are getting a bit longer. That's good! I think. Many times I find myself thinking of writing something as a way to understand what I'm feeling. I used to draw a bit to express my strong feelings before, and I should go back to it. Nowadays I only take them out during therapy, but I'm getting a bit bored of that. Or, I don't know. Days are going by too fast, and I barely have much time to myself. At least, it feels that way, even though I'm on my PC or doing something by myself most of the time. You know, I think I've been feeling a bit away from myself. I look in the mirror but I don't look in my own eyes. I used to take so many selfies when I liked my appearance, when I loved myself. Not to say I don't do anymore, it's just... Maybe I don't care as much about myself as before. A friend asked me recently, for example, why I don't use my binder. I have many excuses and reasons: it makes my asthma act up, it's not the correct size, but most importantly, it makes me self-conscious. It makes me look down at myself, to fix how I look, it makes me think about other's perception of me. And, I don't know. I think I'm generally numb at other's perception of me. I mean, nobody will understand and share my own perception of myself, even less those who have never talked with me, so maybe I just prefer to not be perceived at all. Anyway, I went out with this friend and did use my binder and put some accessories and cool clothes and realised I haven't done that in a while. I've been wanting to try some makeup so maybe that... i'll do it someday soon. And going back to the not having much time, I think I'll try to limit using my phone. Less doomscrolling, because I hate it and it ends up making me feel bad with myself too. That's it, I love you everyone (seems like I'm in a loving mood right now) Listening to: Stone Sour I wanted to write this yesterday, but I was a bit busy. I just wanted to write down a bit of something I felt/thought recently after going to a birthday party. First of all, having friends has been a huge topic in my life, and it's been hard to keep close friends. I dunno if I'm the problem, life just happens I guess. I've tried meeting new people, and it sometimes works out. But recently every single time I've met anyone new the conversation is exactly the same. What do you do? Where did you study? What are you up to now? etc. Cue more generic questions. Usually I'm alright with small talk, but it's tiring when it's the same. Looking back, as a teen, small talk was related to interests. What's your favorite anime/movie? What do you do on your free time? I feel like those are way more fun. Unfortunately, I feel like I don't do much on my free time (or anything worth sharing). Anyway, that aside, I think I'm just "highly selective" when it comes to friends, which sucks. I mean, I feel neutral about it right now, because having only one person to talk to has been my situation for a long time. But I don't really like it. Being around people and talking to them but also feeling like they're not "worth" sharing my friendship. Wait, maybe this is like some kind of "putting walls up" to protect myself or something. Either way, I know I'm not the only person to cry about wanting to have friends and nobody talking to me. But idk, I feel like I've tried every text book approach to meeting new people and I usually end up either ignored or in relatively awkard situations. I don't want to try my best to get drunk just to make being with other people bearable. Listening to: Kraftwerk Hii just wanted to update. Not many new things have happened. I joined a game jam! And I'm preparing my halloween costume. Since I'm using fleece for it, I bought enough to make a plush with it later on. It's so soft! And I'm excited for that project, but I have many things on my plate rn. Besides the game jam, I've started working twice a week for my aunt, and still gotta plan for the ttrpg i mentioned the other day. I also have many drawing ideas and stuff I need to finish. I'm glad I feel motivated now, but sometimes I still get those ups and downs y'know. I missed going to the gym for two weeks and my head has been hurting a couple of days but now I plan on being back on track. On another note, I've thought a bit about posting my art online, and I think it's a bit of a pain honestly. I love it when people enjoy what I create, but I don't really feel like being out there, and when I've tried not many people "follow" me anyway. Oh well, I just gotta keep doing what I like! (Even when it wont pay the bills) Listening to: P-MODEL Sorry again for not updating in a while! This week has been hectic. Celebrating and partying and hosting a ttrpg for the first time... I'm tired, and I kinda wanna be alone. I've felt anxious for a couple of days, and have been thinking a lot about this whole being depressed thing. I don't feel well right now, but hopefully things change. Things that help me calm down haven't been working lately, but I dunno. Maybe I'm just too tired. Listening to: Mitchie M Hi! It's been a while. Well, not too long, but for a couple days there I used to update daily. I realised this "Blog" is more of a journal, but honestly, nobody is grading me. I've been having a blast making this website, and wanted to express that in case I ever forget. Whenever a piece of code I've been working on actually works is amazing!
Anyway, I've been thinking, and even though this website is something for and by me, I do want to share it. Like art, I want it to be seen: After all, I've spent many hours on this and I want others to have fun as well while clicking around. What I think I mean is, I want connection. I understand making a website is very different from social media, in a good way! But I also want to speak to other webmasters. Discord helps, but it's also too massive when joining servers. I dunno, I guess it'll come eventually that which I seek. Listening to: Goatbed Managed to draw today! Was fun, i think. I'm tired now, and bored. I didn't finish drawing but I don't want to anymore. I dunno what I *want* to do. It is late though! I could sleep but I also... don't wanna. Oh yeah, I also tried to do some of the things I had to do to drop out. It's so much stuff, I wish I could get this over with already. Just go and say "I'm so tired of studying I hate this place and I want out. See you never" and done. Back to doing nothing looking for a job, yeah. I should do that. Yay!! /s
Listening to: 佐井好子 (Yoshiko Sai) Hmm... It's hard to write exactly how I feel, since most of what I generally feel lately is... Not exactly sad or lacking in motivation, since I do want to do things and get new ideas, but putting them in practice is (or rather, seems) too hard. One psycologist told me I'm having depressive symptoms, but who knows. I've been thinking a lot about how she also said I don't have anxiety nor am I in the spectrum, when my other psycologists say I do. It bothers me, but maybe it's because I feel like I'm being told who I am. I've just been trusting them because I don't know that myself. Hopefully this website will help me in it's own way. I don't feel like Jet. It's like... "Jet" doesn't feel complete. Are they an idea of who I want to be? Is it who I really am? I know it's a name but... when I think of this "Jet" I picture someone who has nothing going on. Who has said nothing. Like an incomplete character, you know? Who hasn't even started their adventure because that adventure hasn't even been planned out. I know it's a name, but can I really become Jet? It's hard to explain.
Building a website is a lot of work... Which is not bad, it keeps me occupied. I'm just afraid of losing interest. I don't want to do anything today, and working on something can be frustrating. I... don't know what to do. Maybe I'll play a videogame.
Listening to: Deftones Trying to figure out how to start blogging. Will this be like a diary? I wonder if i'll even continuously update it...